I am not actually leaving the blogosphere, but I am moving to Musings of BettyBeth. It’s kind of a tossing way of the old for something new. I will probably write here from time to time, depending on my mood.

Thanks for stopping by.

First Date: We met at a local bowling alley and bowled four games. By the time game four came around we were already hugging each other and being kind of touchy- feely. We continued the date and went for a walk at a lake. I had forgotten to take my jacket with me and the evening was cold. So the classic “Let me keep you warm” scenario played itself out. We talked about life and jobs and high schools while snuggling in front of the lake. At one point he asked me how tall I was and I answered and he said “That’s a good size” then he kissed me. I am pretty sure there were fireworks because we continued to kiss for a long time. We continued to kiss as we made our way back to his car and I can now mark off making out in a grocery store parking lot from my Life List.

Date 2: This date occurred the next night. I was leaving for Portland for the holiday weekend and he wanted to see me. Guy 3 brought me food and we watch “The Count of Monte Cristo”. I found it very sweet and caring that he took the initiative and just brought food. I had told him that I don’t keep much food around my apartment. After the movie we snuggled, being chaperoned by my two kittens. On a side note the kittens are quite taken with him…

Date 3: Date three was the first sleepover, and how he got my cold. Most of our communication through out the week had been through texting and as we were textinghe invited me over and I knew if I went over there I would more than likely fall asleep. So I saw his apartment which is filled with plants and exercise stuff. We snuggled and fell asleep. That’s it, no more than that. There was not naked cuddling, just plain ol’ cuddling and sleeping in each other’s arms.

Date 4: He came over to my house for another movie, bringing food again. Afterwards we snuggled and had what I call “The sex Talk”. Which consisted of a brief overview of The Guy and He- who -will- not- be- named. And an explanation of why I don’t want to jump into sex unless I am in love and in a guaranteed committed relationship. He seemed to understand my point of view.

Here is where the anxiety comes in…I didn’t hear from him the next day. I did text him and found out that he had slept for sixteen hours. Yikes! Our texting was the same as usual nothing seemed amiss…but I didn’t hear anything from him yesterday. Now he seems like the type of guy who is going to tell a girl that its just not working for him any more…hopefully. But I am still worried that what I told him is going to put him off. Or he’s still sick. I don’t know. I was told I should just be myself which would consist of me texting him to make sure he is doing okay which I will do after work today if I haven’t heard from him.

I think part of the problem is I put a lot of eggs in this one basket. I decided I would stop dating if things didn’t work with Guy 3. Of course when I said that I didn’t expect date one to go well or the following week for that matter…but I am also used to guys being complete douche bags. I want to say that I am really like this guy but I am sure I said this about The Guy. So I am into this guy and do see a potential in the growing relationship…but I don’t know if he sees the same thing…ya know? And this is why dating is dumb and I shouldn’t date…too much anxiety for me.

The responses to my profile were higher than it ever has been in the past. I guess guys do like geeky girls. I hit it off via email with several people right away and it was quickly narrowed down to two. One progressed to instant messaging, where conversation was free flowing and filled with witty banter. I enjoyed that he understood my teasing and humor through instant communication. Not everyone can. We made plans for a date on Mother’s day but was soon cancelled due to Mother’s Day. It was rescheduled for a few days later. Drinks at the Nimbus. Guy 2 and I emailed longer and set a later date. He works the graveyard shift at the local refinery so trying to balance his work schedule with my social schedule proved to be difficult.  Near the end of week one I was emailed by Guy 3.  Guy 3 happened to email me the first time I was on plenty of fish, but I responded to him and then cancelled my profile a day later.

Date with Guy 1 was great. There was a lot of talking, no awkward breaks in the conversation. We had things in common and not things in common. We agree on the important things in life, such as the deliciousness of McDonald’s Chocolate Sundaes and putting gummy bears on one’s frozen yogurt. He is also currently working as a caregiver working a night shift, which is a job I had at one time in my past (that’s how I came into contact with he-who-will-not-be-named). We laughed. We chatted. It was all good. We hugged briefly in goodbye, which is how the date started, and gave vague references to a second date. However there was nothing concrete. I have yet to hear from him again. I would like to say that I don’t mind because we did get along and I could see us as friends. But I do mind because its yet another rejection, however slight. 

This has made me question dating in general. What’s the point? What’s the etiquette? When you really look at dating its a rather dumb practice. Why do some women go on date after date and not find the right person, while others only date one or two people and find their person. I am not making vague generalities I know at least 4 friends this has happened too. Due to this disappointment I decided to stop dating forever. I would become the crazy cat lady or a world travel. I would be single by choice. This meant I could no longer bitch about being alone with no one to snuggle. I quickly cancelled date with Guy 2. I would like it to be noted that I was feeling uneasy about this date. It would have taken place about a half hour from where I live and away from any guy I know who could beat the guy up if I needed protection. I was advised to follow my gut feeling about people especially with on-line dating. So the date was cancelled but I still feel like a bitch.

Enter Guy 3. On the day I was planning to take down my profile he had finally written back after four days. He gave me his phone number to text him if I got bored this past weekend. So I sent him a text while hanging out with Sunday Friend. We continued to text back and forth for quite awhile and set up a bowling date for Thursday.  What happened to my never dating again self declaration a few days before? I am not even sure myself. Did he say something amazing in his emails that made me think of him differently? Probably not. But if this one doesn’t work out…then I am done with dating.

This week I was notified via email from my mom that my biological mother had sent me a package in care of my mom. Of course I found out about this on a break from work, and all the air rushed out of my body. I was on the brink of a panic attack, which would not have been a good thing to have at work.  I waited two days before getting the package from my mom. As you can tell I wasn’t very eager to see what the envelope contained. It had been my understanding that it was my turn to communicate with my biological mother.

After celebrating my mom’s birthday on Friday night, I opened the white packing envelope, alone in my apartment. I pulled out a yellowed envelope stuffed with lined paper and what appeared to be pictures. In an almost childish hand the words “To my precious daughter” were written on the front. As I removed pictures and letters I heard the chink of something metallic hit my desk and fall to the carpet. I retrieved a small ID bracelet with a single word etched on it: Babe. The bracelet was meant for a baby’s wrist.  The photos were aged, but the faces on them were very clear. The same childish hand had written a brief description of each person. There were three letters. One was dated on Mother’s Day 1983, the next had no date, and the third was dated May 2, 2009.

The third letter explained the contents of the package. It also contained an appeal for communication. She wanted me to call, she didn’t care if I was calling just to yell at her, but she wanted me to call. She expressed gratitude that I had been raised in a Christian home and that I had a personal relationship with God.  Numerous times she declared her love for me and reassured me that she did not give me up for adoption because she hated me. She felt as though she and my biological father would not be able to care for me.  One of the other letters expressed a possible fear that I would have psychological issues. There was supposed to be a ring that my biological father and given to my biological mother, but she had lent it to a friend in college and it was never returned.  Also on the bottom of one of the letters she wrote: “If I had kept you, you would have been called Genevieve Michelle.”

I am not sure if all of this has sunk in yet, but I do know that I am not happy about it. This package arrives the week before Mother’s Day and she implores me to call. How convenient!  But the baby ID bracelet and the letters from the early 80s were not necessary.  I don’t want them. It kind of creeps me out actually, along with all of her insistence on communication and meeting.  If you wanted to know your child and be part of your child’s life then you shouldn’t have given them up for adoption. Or you should have done an open adoption in the very least. In my opinion when a mother gives their child up for adoption, when they sign over their rights as their parent; the end. That’s it; you have clearly stated that this child is not something you want at this juncture. Yes I know this sounds harsh and isn’t completely logical for every circumstance. But this is how I feel.

I still have no desire to contact this woman, but I am worried that if I don’t she’s going to show up on my parents doorstep. She has their address so it wouldn’t be all that difficult for her to find them. Yay Google maps! I want to mail everything back to her, seriously what am I supposed to do with the baby ID bracelet? Am I going to keep it and one day show it to my children? “This is the bracelet that my biological father had intended to give me when I was born.”  And I really didn’t need to know what I would have been named if I had been kept.  None of this was helpful.

I decided to be bold and inform my Sunday Friend that his manuscript was not easy to read; asking him if he intended to write it in third present tense. His conclusion was that he intended the third person but figured the present tense would make it feel like it was happening at the moment. That gave me my first clue that he was trying to make the scene more active. I wrote him back telling him to keep the third person but lose everything else. Then out of boredom or geekyness, I took the first five sentences of each paragraph and rewrote them.  Sunday Friend appreciated what I did to “edit” the manuscript. He offered to pay me to edit his completed manuscript and his work in progress.

Needless to say I was exact about the prospect of getting paid to do something I enjoy. This proposition got the wheels a turnin’ in my head…could I be a freelance editor? I am editing another friend’s manuscript (for free). I have references – two. Sunday Friend said that as part of my payment he will make me a website (I am also going to get him to make my blog prettier – or edgier).

Here’s my quandary: Can a person with no English degree make a side career as a freelance editor? Should I bother to put up a website advertising my services?  I don’t think I am going to chuck my current occupation as Customer Service Extraordinaire, eventually I would like to be more in the realm of literature and publishing.

 Random Updates:

The kittens: Anders and Chihiro are getting bigger everyday it seems. When I come home from work I am pretty sure they are bigger.  They are healthy then when I first got them, which is probably the result of a stable environment with minimal stress. There is no danger of me becoming the crazy cat lady… more than two would be not an easy thing for me to handle.

Work: Went through some changes last week. I am currently on a new team. There is a lot of structure on the team and less internet access. I’ve been on this team before and it is not that bad if you follow the rules. Thankfully I am good at following rules. Rumor has it that in two months we will be in a new building, bringing the entire customer service department together. This will also result in more restructuring and a new team. I applied for a new position but was not a candidate at this time. I am not a candidate because the supervisors don’t know me because I come in, do my job. What this actually means is that my supervisor was not at the meeting where these positions were being decided so there was no one to speak up for me.

Social: The only new thing that is happening is Belly Dancing lessons that start tonight. I am excited to try something new and to get my sexy on. I am hoping it will help with my lack of being able to do anything rhythmic with my hips.  There are no new crushes or guy interests. Sunday Friend is becoming more and more Sunday Friend. It was pointed out to me that he has a behavioral pattern that’s not going to change and I should stop hoping it would change. I could also apply this information to he-who-will-not-be-named.

Other: I am still playing World of Warcraft. All of my friends have stopped playing do to various reasons…so that means I make new friends. Well one in particular is pretty cool and fun to interact with. I have been trying to read and write more as well, down time at work has given me that opportunity. I am slowly looking into Grad schools with MFA Creative Writing programs. I kind of want to find one out of state that’s not too expensive so I can get some new scenery.  Some friends are looking over my Nanowrimo manuscript to advice on what needs to be worked on. I hope I get a good kick in the pants to rework the story and try to find an agent or publisher. The Twilight Series has gotten a hold of me, and all that has done is make me longing for he-who-will-not-be-named.  It’s like I don’t just want anyone to cuddle with, just him. Gah! I need to stop reading romance novels. Stupid Girl. “Stupid Lamb.”

Its been fun traveling through Azeroth, killing kobolds and brigands. I’m Team Alliance this time around, they have much prettier areas to explore. I’m still sticking with the Warlock, the spells and pets/demons are fun. Its like I have the power of two people. This time around the WoW obsession is deeper but I think that is mostly do to the fact that I am communicating with Sunday Friend while playing; I wouldn’t be as into it if he wasn’t there.

I also started to play WoW again because life has gotten stagnent. I know this might sound like a complaint and that’s not my intention. But there is no drama in life right now, no family issues. Work is good. Friends are good. Still no special someone. The cats are a barrel fun. I noticed this about a week ago when I wasn’t stressing out about…well anything. I am trying to figure out why this seems like a bad thing, no drama should be a good thing.

There is also another consequence to the tired brain, there was an incident with a knife. Dun-dun-dun! I had taken a knife out of the drawer to cut open my new headset for gaming. I laid the knife on the desk and walked away to do something else. When I returned to the desk I looked at the knife and couldn’t remember its original purpose for being on my desk. Then as  a passing thought, like literally for a split second, I had thought that I had gotten the knife out for some nefarious purpose against my wrists.  I’ve been distrubed about this thought ever since…two days later. I haven’t had wrist slashing thoughts in quiet sometime. So I am putting it down to being tired that my brain came to that conclusion.

We started out discussing the point that I don’t write Erotica, mainly because I can never find the right words to describe what is going on in my imagination.  My friend stated, “It is hard because all you hear in society concerning sex is usually very abrasive. They have lost the art of speech concerning it…The words now days are so repetitive.”  This is something I have thought about Erotica and Romance novels for a while now. The words used, such as: cock, shaft, penis, tits, boobs, clit, pussy; are very harsh sounding words, and they are over used.  Also, a lot of times the clinical/medical terms are used.  We have lost the art of writing about sex in a beautiful way, or we chose not to and we go for the shock value of using such a word as cock.  

I had a similar discussion with a different friend after watching “Becoming Jane.” In the movie there is a scene with Jane and Tom in the library. He suggests for her to read Tom Jones, a book that was criticized for it sexual promiscuity. At the time of watching the movie I noted to my friend on how different Romance and Erotic novels are today compared to the centuries of the past.  We wondered why literature changed so much and my writers today don’t write about sex the way it was in the past. It seems like a greater challenge to use more descriptive words and euphemisms to describe the act of making love than it is to say something like “thrusting his member…”

I think it is a reflection of culture and society; we have become harsh and abrasive people.  We also like the quickest solution; it is a lot faster to use words such as tits instead of describe each mound of a woman’s breasts.  Back when books like ‘Tom Jones” were written they had to find a poetic way to describe the human body and sex. Now we don’t have to do that, there is still shock value, but the shock only lasts a few moments.  One of the best books regarding love, sex and human sexuality is “The Song of Solomon.” There are words in that book that today we would never have thought to use to describe a woman’s body.  Oral sex is described as “Make my garden breathe out fragrance; Let its spices   be wafted abroad. May my beloved come into his garden and eat its choice fruits!” [1]   This scene is both beautiful and poetic, just like the act of making love.

Even my interactions with people tend to get compartmentalized. For example I will have a conversation with a friend via email, and then spend time with them and that email will never come up. The things discussed are kept completely separate. For the most part, there are some exceptions, when I interact with someone at different places such as work and email, and spending time together those conversations and emotions are kept in their own place. I have a friend from work who I hang out with, email with and game with and most of our interactions are kept separate. At work we have a completely professional relationship; anything personal we discuss is spread across our other interactions.  This has been harder to do as more of my friends are couples and they are the type of couples who talk about everything together.

I have emotional boxes for all of my friends. Another example of this is Pre-crush who is more like just a Sunday Friend. We see each other for a gaming session one day a week. And any interaction that we have is strictly Facebook messages regarding Sunday’s session. Those emails are never discussed on Sundays. The other day I proposed that we hang out again because we had a good time of it that one time. He negated anything that would reek of romanticism. So the container for him is currently open but I am currently waiting to clamp the lid down on this one and put it on a shelf.

Sometimes a box will be taken down and left open for awhile, and I think when that happens I am more depressed. There are times when the entire shelf is tipped over and multiple boxes break open, those are the nights when I find myself crying and I can’t quiet figure out why. Sometimes a particular box is shaken, leaving me in panic attack mode. It is mainly the boxes that are set aside for he-who-will-not-be-named, The Guy, and my biological mother.

I have yet to figure out if compartmentalizing my emotions is a good thing. It definitely helps when I want to keep someone segmented in my life and wall them out. But in the long run it this might not be such a good thing.